Review: Tetris DS

There Goes Another Year of My Life

(Nintendo DS; $34.99; Rated E; tetrisds.com)

(four and a half stars)

“Tetris’” resurrection on the Big N’s quirky touch-screen handheld may single-handedly propel the Nintendo DS into the portable Hall of Fame in the same way it did for the original Game Boy in 1989.

The falling-block puzzler returns in all of its original glory and then some. In addition to classic NES 8-bit themes throughout the game, “Tetris DS” also boasts new game modes to add longevity to a title that most fans can lose days of their lives playing. Most notable of these new game modes are the two-player Touchdown-meets-Tetris game of “Push.” Players vie to complete lines from opposite sides of the same puzzle and push the puzzle into their opponents’ end zone for a win- great stuff.

But even cool new game modes can wear thin if the computer is the only one to beat. “Tetris DS,” however, makes great use of the Nintendo WiFi feature and allows players to jump online and compete against up four players in a traditional game of “Tetris.” Better yet- wireless multiplayer games of up to ten players can happen locally, with just one copy of the game!

After-school Detention will never be the same.

Review: Brain Age

Youth: No Longer Wasted on the Young

(Nintendo DS; $19.99; Rated E; brainage.com)

(four stars)

As the cruelty of aging sets in, rock-hard abs turn Cinnabon-soft, we squint more when we read, and partying all night long means turning in before Leno finishes his monologue- at least we’re still intellectually quick as we ever were, right?

Wait. What was I saying?

Apparently not, because when I calculated the age of my mind with Nintendo’s new “Brain Age,” I had the mental sharpness of a 76 year old. Which is to say that if arithmetic problems were dodgeballs, I’d have giant welts all over my body.

Thankfully though, using “Brain Age’s” daily exercises, ranging from simple math to memory games to syllable sentence counting (34 so far in this one), I was able to drop my Brain Age down to 34 in a matter of days- which is still 14 years older than the ideal; this according to Ryuta Kawashima, the Japanese neuroscientist who developed the game. Dr. Kawashima theorizes that through regular mental exercises like those in “Brain Age,” our brains can live the rockstar lifestyle our bodies no longer can.

Brain exercises and daily testing make simple use of the DS’ touchpad and microphone and, like other Nintendo games, are so approachable that non-gamers will have as much fun working out their minds as the hardcores. Healthy competition between users means that “Brain Age” is the type of game that’s always within reach, in the hope of sharpening your mind just a little more than your spouse (for the record, she’s at 24).

For those of us who can appreciate the refined aspects of gaming- or for those that can’t get enough of internet IQ tests- this is great fun for the price. Plus it’s the one game on the market that is scientifically proven to not rot your brain, how can you argue with that?

Review: Me & My Katamari

Like Walking With One Leg

(PSP; $39.99; Rated E; namco.com)

(three stars)

Games like “Me & My Katamari” make me hate Sony’s PSP.

Here you have a portable version of the much-beloved game where a tiny prince rolls up the world into an increasingly larger ball o’ stuff at the behest of his eccentric father, The King of All Cosmos. Here, publisher Namco has successfully translated the graphics, music, and silliness of the PS2 game into palm-sized. Here is a game that is so simplistic in nature that its five-minute missions are perfect for passing time while out and about.

And yet, here is a game that screams, screams for a second analog stick on the PSP in order for its full impact to be appreciated.

Maybe back in the days of the N64 we were complacent to have only one analog stick with our three-dimensional gaming. But for a game like “Katamari,” which is built on the simplicity of two-stick movement, making due with one stick and having the face-buttons fill the place of the second just doesn’t cut it.

After the first few introductory stages, the lack of dual-stick controls makes the already challenging time limits to complete stages near impossible. The artificial difficulty really holds the game back from being the approachable, non-gamer friendly title that this series has become known for.

Furthermore it begs the question: why would a game based around the dual-stick control scheme be designed for a portable that can’t support it? I would like to believe it’s a subtle suggestion to Sony to redesign its handheld in order to faithfully recreate the PS2-quality games it is capable of supporting…

But I’m more likely to believe its just another close-but-no-cigar translation to the small screen.

Review: Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Essentials

Essentially: Not Worth Your Time

(PSP; $39.99; Rated M for Strong Language/Violence; splinercell.com)

(two stars)

While I’m ranting about successful games that translate horribly to Sony’s handheld, I’d be remiss not to point out one of the biggest stinkers released for the system.

Fans of my column (meaning my wife) will know how much I adore the “Splinter Cell” series. As far as covert-ops stealth-action games go- it’s the tops, not to mention the revolutionary and highly intense multiplayer the series introduced a while back.

Yet, what has been dubbed “Essential” is anything but. “SC Essentials” is clearly a not-ready-for-portable-play game. The graphics are sub-par, only a few levels are polished, and the whole of the game is so dimly lit that players are reduced to leaving their night-vision turned on at almost all times. And because it mostly needs to be played in Apple IIe, monochromatic green lighting, it only emphasizes how ugly this game looks at times.

Look developers: I get the fact that you are making a game that, on its console big brothers, has a second analog and four additional buttons. But for crying out loud, when you are giving a second function for every button, have no lock-on system for targeting enemies, create an unfriendly camera system that takes players out of the game, and completely switch the control functions between first and third-person views- shouldn’t that clue you into whether you should have made the game in the first place?

And only a two-player multiplayer? And just spy vs. spy? And only locally? What happened to insanely cool outwit-fests of two-on-two spies vs. mercenaries that we loved on the consoles? Did you forget they existed?

I understand the need to make concessions to fit within the hardware, but come on. If I wanted to ride my bike, but it had flat tires, one pedal, no chain, and faulty brakes- wouldn’t it just be easier for me to walk?

For a supremely better executed stealth-action game for the PSP, I highly recommend Sony’s “Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror.” For the same price, and similar game style, “Syphon Filter” gets everything right, and then some, where “SC Essentials” fails.

Review: Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter

Get Your GRAW On!

(Xbox 360; $59.99; Rated T for Blood/Language/Violence; ghostrecon.com)

(five stars)

Don’t worry about Tom Clancy gameboys and girls, though “Splinter Cell” on the PSP is a real stinker, Mr. Clancy attached his name to this game which is really swell.

Wait. I mean: Holy Crap!

“G.R.A.W.,” more than any other game released in the Xbox 360’s short life, exemplifies what next-generation gaming is like. Its intuitive controls, easy squad commands, eye-popping graphics, and intense soundtrack make it an incredibly visceral experience- one never seen for this series.

Taking place in 2013, the Ghosts- the highly specialized tactical response squad of the Army- are sent into Mexico City to quell a violent revolution. Depending on the missions, players are either fighting solo or in command of three squad mates, as well as having tanks, helos, and eye-in-the-sky robotic drones at their disposal.

One of the more startling aspects of the game is its seamless transition from cutscene to gameplay. There are no pre-rendered cinematics in the game and virtually no loading in between exposition and execution of the missions. After flying over the recreated landscape of Mexico City, players’ chopper simply lands in the hot-zone, and players jump out and joins the mission in progress. Sometimes that means hoofing it to where the action is, or it means jumping out into gunfire and having to make immediate tactical decisions to keep your squad alive and on mission. And that’s what makes the intensity so enjoyable- being outgunned and under pressure at all times.

If the single-player campaign isn’t rewarding enough, Ubisoft has packed in a thoroughly diverse multiplayer mode over Xbox Live, which is enough to keep us happy until “Halo 3” comes (well, maybe not that long). Not only are traditional team deathmatches, objective-based, and King-of-the-Hill modes available, but a full sixteen-player cooperative campaign is available for friends who want to work together as a team to complete missions against the game- unprecedented in console gaming.

Yes, “G.R.A.W.” is really THAT good. There’s something to like about this game for everyone- even if it’s just because it’s so darn pretty to look at. A definite must-buy.