Godfather/Saint's Row: Review

Godfather The Game (360, Xbox, PS2; $59.99, $39.99; Rated M for Blood, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language; godfatherthegame.com)

(three and a half stars)

Saint’s Row (360; $59.99; Rated M for Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Alcohol; saintsrow.com)

(two stars)

The unbelievable success of the “Grand Theft Auto” franchise opened the floodgates to an entirely new genre of open-ended exploration that’s become known as “sandbox gaming.” There have been many “me too” titles that imitate the “go anywhere, do anything” dynamics established by the GTA series, but none follow as closely to the source material as EA’s “Godfather The Game” and THQ’s “Saint’s Row”- both games who’s mechanics are similar enough to be almost interchangeable, but with content that couldn’t polarize audiences more.

Electronic Arts has the money to afford the Puzo/Coppolla epic and adapt a methodical, drama-heavy trilogy into an action-packed gaming experience. “The Godfather” universe is more of the focus than necessarily “The Godfather” storyline. Yes Don Vito, Sonny, Fredo, and Michael are featured characters in the game (all with likenesses and voices in tact, with the exception of Al Pacino, who would not sign his likeness or voice away to Michael Corleone- probably because he just got done signing them away for Vivendi Universal’s “Scarface” title), but the events of “The Godfather” films provide more of a backdrop for the player’s progression through the game than the actual game itself.

As a young boy left orphan from the results of family aggression against the Corleone’s, players begin the game working as an outsider to The Family. Through a series of events, one of most important being escorting Don Corleone’s ambulance to the hospital after an attempted assassination in Little Italy, players will be accepted as an associate to the Corleone’s. By protecting Family territories, overtaking rival family rackets, and completing missions made famous by “The Godfather” films, players gain more respect- eventually working up the food chain to becoming a Don themselves.

With “Saint’s Row,” THQ had the ingenuity to figure out everything the “GTA” series failed at, while keeping intact the core elements that made the franchise amazingly successful and ends up producing a mechanically superior version to the “GTA” franchise. “Row,” too, features a nameless young thug who is taken in by The Third Street Saint’s- a street gang with a heart of gold, that recognizes the only way to pacify the increasing gang violence, is by killing all other rival gang members and overtaking the city of StillWater. Players will hijack, 187, maim, and torch rival territories in order to lay claim and provide and “armed peace” to StillWater. Similar to “Grand Theft Auto,” the city is modern, the carjacking plentiful, and the soundtrack is licensed.

Because gameplay in both “Godfather” and “Saint’s” is strikingly similar to the each other, the kind we’ve come to expect in these types of games, the escort and assassination missions tend to blend together- regardless of whether its in Depression-era New York, or a modern ghettopolis. “Godfather” distinguishes itself a bit by implementing a fairly tight melee system for roughing up store owners who don’t want to pay protection money. By grabbing an enemy by the collar, players can use the right analog thumbstick to throw, slap, gut punch, or even smash the enemy’s head through a cash register. The mechanic of using the right analog stick to do the dirty hand-to-hand stuff is borrowed from EA’s “Fight Night” boxing series which also ties all the hand-to-hand boxing to the right analog stick. Aspects like this are great if only to show the level of synergy that’s flowing throughout a mega-corporation like Electronic Arts, and even greater when the system works well as it does here.

Applying pressure to store owners for protection money serves a second purpose unique to “Godfather”- namely, exposing rackets. Sometimes a store owner only wants to make sure that you won’t take a bat to his merchandise, other times, he’ll give you the keys to the back room where all sorts of debauchery and illegality takes place. Sometimes, the back-room racket can be bought out with relative ease, increasing the player’s monthly take-home (with percentage paid to the Corleone’s) and respect. Other times, it will require some blood and bullets as the store is a front for a rival family’s racket. Killing all of the rival family associates and clearing the racket means that the Corleone’s extend their territory, and add to your character’s individual power.

“Saint’s Row,” on the other hand, doesn’t add anything new to the narrative mix. Its missions are similar to what we’ve seen before, and there is nothing as unique as the racket takeover. The closest innovation in “Row’s” single-player campaign is the ability to recruit fellow gang members to travel with you on missions. However, this “innovation” was already a part of “GTA: San Andreas” released a few years ago. I suppose another innovation is the ability to be hit by oncoming traffic in order to generate insurance fraud cash- it’s humorous, but it doesn’t make the game.

What “Row” does offer to the GTA crowd is a vast improvement on the weapon selection and targeting. It’s a simple thing, but “Row’s” weapons are easily selectable by holding down a shift button on the controller, and selecting the weapon with the analog stick. Even better, traditional third-person shooter controls allow for the player to easily move in one direction and shoot in another direction. Why, oh why have the makers of the GTA franchise never figured this out? Running and gunning has always been one of the most frustrating aspects of a GTA title. “Row” handles it with ease and intuitiveness and trumps “Godfather’s” inconsistent and ham-fisted click-to-target scheme which inevitably pulls fire away from the one guy you want to shoot at.

Character creation and customization are equally impressive in both titles. “Godfather’s” “Mob Face” mechanism allows players to detail their character to the minutest blemish or scar, and the Xbox 360 version allows for persistent bruising and scars- adding to the war-torn look of your mobster. “Saint’s Row” also allows for a surprising amount of detail in face customization, and even out does “Godfather” in overall body composition and clothing details. Want a gangsta bigger than Biggie? You got it. Personally, I went for an avatar that looked like a heroin-addicted Vanilla Ice circa the “Mind Blowin’” album. And whereas “Godfather” limits your gender to male and ethnicities to Italian or Irish, “Row” invites the hoochie-mammas and homeboys of all colors.

Comparing both titles on the next-gen platform, they are equally graphically impressive, with “Row” nudging ahead in terms of textures and environmental effects like weather and day-changes. “Godfather” gets the nod in cinematics because, while both titles are equally executed, seeing a motion-captured version of James Cann as an irate Sonny makes my heart smile. Sound-wise, “Saint’s” again wins out due to the extensive licensed soundtrack, which “Godfather” does not have. Plus, in terms of extras- “Row” has a robust, though lag-filled and ultimately uninspired, online multiplayer and takes the GTA experience a step further by implementing online co-operative missions over Xbox Live. “Godfather,” on the other hand, allows players to upload their progress, respect, and earnings to Xbox Live- which no one cares about anyways.

So why, then, is “Saint’s Row,” while narrowly beating out “Godfather” in terms of technical skill, so much lower rated?

Its content is abhorrent.

Yes, both games feature and reward a criminal lifestyle. Both titles allow for wide freedom to act as a “respectable” criminal, or to incur the wrath of the police due to rampant lawlessness and the taking of innocent lives. Though “Godfather” doesn’t carry the same tally or creativeness of profanities that “Saint’s” does, it still has coarse language. And “Godfather’s” special button and rewards for executions makes some of the action a little more gruesome. So though “Godfather” is no angel, there’s something less offensive about it as compared to “Saint’s.”

Clearly, neither game is acceptable for a young audience. But whereas “Godfather” feels more like a “romantification” of the 30’s mob culture and, therefore, a fictional work, “Saint’s Row” is nothing but a glorification of the modern urban gang culture- one that is far easier to access than that of the Mafia. Any kid can put down the controller, walk to the wrong neighborhood, and live the lifestyle depicted in “Saint’s Row;” the same can’t be said for “The Godfather” and therein lies the distinction. The crime genre is barely palatable as it is; at least “The Godfather” gives it some class. Games like “Saint’s Row” or its most direct influence “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” do nothing but cash in the ethnic and socioeconomic groups they exploit, while eroding the efforts of others to show the toxicity of the modern gang lifestyle.

Xbox Live Vision Camera

(360; $39.99; xbox.com)

Even considering the entire downloadable content, movie trailers, music videos, and game demos that Xbox Live users have, what’s the one thing that’s been missing?

Ass shots.

And thankfully, Microsoft heard the cries of the masses and released the Vision- the 360’s own camera, capable of displaying your rump, or whatever other body part you choose, with the rest of the world.

Is this a necessary purchase? I suppose the answer lies on how much of a closeted exhibitionist one is. Its main purpose is to allow video chat connections between players while in-game. Currently, only titles such as Uno, Backgammon, Hearts, and Billiards on the Xbox Live Arcade offer the option of players to get a look at one another, however the number of games implementing this feature will continue to grow- I’m still waiting for Texas Hold ‘Em to implement it, so I can finally read rivals’ tells.

Microsoft is also planning on launching titles to utilize the function of the camera as a controller, ala Sony’s last-generation Eye Toy. Here’s to hoping the types of games available for the vision hold gamers’ interests longer than the Eye Toy software.

Additionally, the Vision can be utilized to snap pictures to send to friends over Xbox Live, take a custom photo for your GamerPic (the picture that identifies you over Xbox Live), or to initiate a video conference with another friend. Oddly enough, the two-way video conference also allows one person to trigger the vibrating function in the other person’s controller. I don’t want to even think of the implications of such a function, but sufficed to say that those long-distance gaming relationships have the potential to become a lot closer.

The $40 price tag is a bit steep for a peripheral that doesn’t have many uses that directly affect gameplay, especially figuring that the same money can go towards a hefty down-payment on MS’ must-have title of the holidays, “Gears of War.” It’s good to also know that the Xbox Live Vision doubles as a web camera for a regular PC, so the multiple use helps justify the cost a bit more (except for those of us who have Macs with iSights). But if you’re looking to get a gift for a 360 owner and don’t know the types of games they like to play, or what they already have, the Vision would be an unexpected, and likely welcomed, present.

LocoRoco: Review

(PSP; $39.99; Rated E; locoroco.com)

(four stars)

First there were Cabbage Patch Kids.

Then it was Tickle Me Elmo.

For a brief moment there were the Furbys.

Now, in the cute-as-a-button category, we have LocoRocos.

Thank goodness someone at Sony finally figured out that, while 3-D games on the sleek PlayStation Portable looked great, they didn’t always play great. With the Nintendo DS kicking the PSP’s butt in sales and software, Sony desperately needed to crack the Mario Code- what game can we put out to appeal to young and old AND that’s easy to control?

“LocoRoco,” I don’t know what the heck you’re supposed to be, but you came to the rescue, and proves that Nintendo-styled fun can be had on the PSP using only two main buttons.

That’s right, the top L and R buttons on the PSP are the only buttons that control movement of the LocoRoco on the screen. Now, I have no idea what the story behind “LocoRoco” is, as much as I know that the LocoRoco is a little blob that, when eating fruits found in their colorful environments, make it grow into a bigger blob, and a bigger blob than that, and so on, and so on. Being a big fat LocoRoco makes it possible to unlock areas in each level to lead to more fruit and hidden items, however sometimes there’s a pathway that’s too narrow for our rotund ‘Roco, or where there’s a need for two ‘Rocos to accomplish a task- that’s where the LocoRoco’s ability to split into many ‘Rocos comes in handy.

No, it doesn’t make much sense, and it’s not too difficult- any child can pick up and play “LocoRoco” and have fun, but the beauty of this game comes from its simplicity. The hymns the LocoRoco sing while proceeding through a level are soothing and slightly hypnotic, the psychedelic color schemes and artistic pathways add to the trance, and the adorable smiles on the little ‘Roco’s faces all add up to one heck of a cute acid trip- and really, isn’t that where the best children’s programming comes from anyways?

“LocoRoco” is one of those games in the same vein as “Katamari Damacy,” so quirky and so out in left field that it causes the game industry to re-evaluate itself: Are bigger guns, higher framerates, and more intense particle effects really where the future lies? Or is it in the Nintendo-philosophy of the future, where simple gameplay backed by inviting visuals reach out to kids, moms, and seniors, expanding the audience who call themselves “gamers?”

Dead Rising: Review

(Xbox 360; $59.99; Rated M for Blood/Gore/Violence/Language/Partial Nudity/Use of Alcohol; capcom.com/deadrising)

(four and a half stars)

There’s only one enemy that’s more fun to kill than a Nazi in video games, and that’s a Zombie (which would mean that killing a Zombie Nazi would be the pinnacle, but I digress). Though there are no Nazis in “Dead Rising” to obliterate, there are thousands (and I mean thousands) of zombies to do away with.

Players take on the role of Frank West, adventuring photojournalist, who commissions a helicopter to take him into Willamette, CO where the national guard has barricaded all entrances and exits due to “civil unrest.”

“Unrest” is putting it mildly, “Undead” is more on point. As Frank flies overhead, he starts clicking away at the mayhem happening beneath him- school busses being overturned, helpless women being pounced on by gangs of ghouls, and children running for their lives-

It’s like Geraldo Rivera’s version of Heaven.

Frank has the chopper set him down on the roof of a shopping mall, telling the pilot to come back for him in 72 hours, where he’ll return to civilization with the story of a lifetime. And so players are trapped in a mall for 72 hours, infested with zombies.

If this sounds like the greatest movie plot of all time, you’re not alone- an explicit disclaimer in the game and on the box specifies that “Dead Rising” is not developed, approved, or licensed by the owners of George A. Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead;” but “Dead Rising” is certainly one heck of an homage to the Romero classic, though the tongue-in-cheek presentation is much more “Shaun of the Dead” than “Dawn.”

While in the mall, players are faced with moral dilemmas in progressing through the game. Should you rescue a survivor who is about to be food for the undead, or should you use the horrific moment to capture a Pulitzer-winning photograph? The choice is yours. If you decide to take the shutterbug route, the photo could net you a boat-load of experience points which go towards leveling up Frank’s speed, agility, skills, or inventory. At the same time, the death of a survivor can affect the outcome of the game, so should you choose to play Errol Flynn, it’s best to grab a weapon and jump into the fray.

Thankfully, you’re in a mall, and weapons are a dime a dozen there. Though there may a shortage of guns and swords in such a place, the most benign and commonplace objects can be used to send the undead back to the Hot Place. Pick up a stack of plates from the cafeteria and turn them into flying discs of death; toss a cash register into the face of a ghoul and tell him to keep the change; my personal favorite is to cover a doorway in cooking oil and watch the brain-deprived idiots slip and fall onto the linoleum floor (ok, that’s actually tied with hijacking a lawnmower and playing Zombie Landscaper). The point is, almost everything in the mall can be used as a weapon, and many times you’ll overlook pistols and shotguns because of how much fun you can have with just a simple soccer ball.

The 72-hour time limit imposes an interesting restriction on an otherwise free-roaming adventure. Frank must pursue story leads in a timely fashion in order to uncover the mystery of the zombie outbreak, or run the risk of a trail going cold- thereby ending the game. So, while there are plenty of side missions for Frank to complete, he must stay focused on the task at hand or else the story fails to develop and ends. There are so many side missions, and so much to do and see in “Dead Rising,” that it has been programmed to encourage multiple play-throughs of the story in order to get different endings, achieve different bonuses and unlock different extras.

The good thing is that Frank retains all of his skills and abilities during multiple runs through the game, making the core game easier to complete and leaving more time to explore and unlock. Unfortunately, to encourage progression through the game, the developers allow for only one save slot in which to save progress. The problem is that if players get into a tight bind and save the game when they are at little or no health, they effectively save themselves into a corner and have no choice but to start the game all over again.

Yeah, that’s a little infuriating.

The single-save issue aside, “Dead Rising” flourishes with tight graphics, hundreds of zombies on the screen at once with no slowdown, fantastically creepy sound, and thoroughly enjoyable gameplay. For the lovers of the undead out there, “Dead Rising” is a can’t miss experience- destined to find a place along side of the more serious zombie fare like its cousin, “Resident Evil.” Hopefully the formula will be technically tweaked and expanded into a sequel involving the survival on a “Grand Theft Auto” scale city?

We can only keep our fingers crossed.

Where Have I Been? Oh, and another Star Wars Review

I’ve been busy stripping this past month.

Oh, you didn’t know that yours truly is starring in the Runaway Stage musical production of “The Full Monty” at the 24^th Street Theatre in Sacramento? Well then, allow me to shamelessly self-promote: it’s fantastic, it’s hysterical, and it’s running every weekend in September. (Details at runawaystage.com)

It’s so good, in fact, that I almost completely forgot about video games all together. That is, if it wasn’t for the Xbox 360 I keep in my dressing room to play during intermission.

Hey, I’ve got to keep limber for that final strip scene.

And so here’s what I’ve been playing in between acts. Thankfully I haven’t missed an entrance yet, but there still a few more weekends to go…

LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (Xbox, PS2, Gamecube; $39.99; Rated E10+ for Cartoon Violence; legostarwarsii.com)

(four and a half stars)

The original “LEGO Star Wars,” a sleeper hit of 2004, gets a follow up that’s much deserved. Now, instead of playing through the Star Wars trilogy that most people would rather forget, fans get to blast their way through cutesy, miniature versions of the Classic Trilogy that burrowed its way into our hearts long ago.

Lucasarts, who let the publishing rights go for the first “LEGO Star Wars”- believing the game to be a throwaway title, was wise enough to retain rights this go around. A wise choice, since “LEGO II” retains all of the quirky adorableness of the first title, but chocks it full of the characters we know and love.

The original title had a great sense of humor, always poking fun of the sanctified source material. It never took itself seriously, and instead cashed in on physical comedy and the angular nature associated with creating the Star Wars universe out of LEGO building blocks. That humor returns in “LEGO II” almost immediately upon the first iconic scene from Episode IV when the Rebel Blockade Runner is swallowed into the Imperial Star Destroyer, followed shortly by a glimpse of Imperial Stormtroopers bathing in a hot tub, with blue Speedos stretched over their full armor.

Hey, even clones have to kick back and relax every once in a while.

The lightheartedness of “LEGO II” is what makes the game so darn endearing. All of the sound effects and musical score from the big screen are here, and yet the goofiness of it all makes the story feel fresh and exciting again- much moreso than just another hi-def retread of Episodes IV, V, and VI.

The “LEGO Star Wars” series is all about fun, so even if you lose your life, you’ll start right where you left off, with only some LEGO currency taken away. This currency, which can be found in blasting apart just about anything or anyone, goes to an overall total that can be used to purchase extra characters, hints, or cheats.

Over 30 characters and vehicles are unlockable and the ability to replay any completed level with any unlocked character means that you can team Luke and Vader together for a father/son frag-fest, or delight in feeding Ewoks to the Rancor. In addition to just playing around, different character combinations in replaying levels will give players access to new areas and even more unlockables.

Because of its atmosphere, “LEGO II” makes for a great title to play with those non-gaming friends (or wives) of yours; and the drop-in, drop-out co-op multiplayer mode makes it easy for friends to join in on the fun. Plus, “LEGO II” implements vehicle combat and creation, meaning you can not only build your customized X-Wing fighter, but fly it as well- very fun stuff.

Really, you can’t go wrong with a game like this. For fans of the series, it’s a must have, especially now that both of the trilogy’s have been LEGO-tized.

May the Farce be with you.

Prey: Review

(X360; $59.99; Rated M for Blood/Gore/Violence/Partial Nudity/Language; prey.com)

(three and a half stars)

“Prey” is all about Tommy, a simple grease monkey, who discounts his Cherokee heritage despite persistent pressure from his walking stereotype of a grandfather. But not Tommy, he wants to get himself and his hot girlfriend Jenny off the Reservation and start a new life together. But that Jenny, she likes to tend bar for racist White-men in what could be the most depressing bar in all of the Indian nations.

Fortunately for Tommy, Jenny and he manage to get off the Reservation. Unfortunately for both of them, it is due to an alien force that abducts them for enslavement and experimentation. In addition to being armed with alien weaponry, Tommy has to get in touch with his Cherokee side in order to use the mystical powers handed down from his ancestors to save Jenny from a very bloody fate.

Yep boys and girls, that’s the premise of “Prey.” And who says there’s no originality in gaming anymore?

As ludicrous as the story sounds, “Prey” does turn out to be a twisted, spooky, and semi-unique experience. Though the game is as linear as First-Person Shooters get, its use of physics-defying environments make for some very disorienting firefights. Players and enemies have the ability to walk up walls and ceilings. This means that the floor you are walking on in one room may actually end up being the ceiling for another room, which means you’ll have to look up to blast the enemies that, in actuality, are below you.

MC Escher would be proud.

This trip through Wonderland adds some unique platforming elements to gameplay as well. Tommy will have to use his spirit powers to leave his corporal self in order to reach areas inaccessible to solid bodies; and while Tommy’s Spirit is invulnerable to enemy attacks, his spirit-less body is wide open and vulnerable- see the challenge?

Were it not for the gravity-defying vertigo-fests, “Prey” would be a rather run-of-the-mill sci-fi shooter. However, the disorienting nature of the game, combined with some sincerely creepy moments (disembodied children’s cries, anyone?), and some great next-gen graphics make “Prey” worthy of a look, especially for those looking for a “Doom”-like experience.

Chrome Hounds: Review

(X360; $59.99; Rated T for Mild Language/Violence; sega.com)

(three stars)

Let’s look at another game that requires some strategic forethought before jumping into the fray. “Chrome Hounds” fills that void on the 360 reserved for “Giant Robot Explosi-A-Thons,” and in doing so gives us a game with a post-apocalyptic storyline, some serious customization options for the wannabe bot-builders out there, and a game that is 100% dedicated to online play.

Which is one of the biggest problems with this game- if you’re not part of a team that plays online regularly (aka: a clan), then there’s no point to playing. And if you’re not on Xbox Live, there’s really no point in playing “Chrome Hounds” at all, because the single player campaign only serves as one very long tutorial for the ultimate challenge seen online.

The bread and butter of “Chrome Hounds” lies is in the ever-persistent Neroimus War- an online campaign mode where players swear allegiance to an affiliated country, and battle for total world domination. It’s a lot like a game of Risk, but with less of the plastic choking hazard pieces, and more of the shoulder-mounted rocket launchers- equally as hazardous.

Battling in the Neroimus War means that players will have to join a clan in order to have any fun at this game, as only clan-based battles will turn the tide of the war. Playing in a “pick-up” style match will not affect the persistent and, because of which, is very little fun. And here’s where your dedication to “Chrome Hounds” will either flourish or wane: playing as part of a squad/clan means that each win or loss potentially effects the entire outcome of the global war- and that’s pretty exciting; however joining a squad/clan takes time and (sometimes) practice, not to mention a general level of acceptance from the rest of the members of the squad/clan, so just how much time and effort do you really want to put into a game like this?

Part of the answer depends on how much fun the game is to play in general. Simply: it’s not engaging. Although graphically, “Chrome Hounds” is a beaut to look at when it comes to particle effects, explosions, and other little details, the bland environments and total lack of anything of interest on the screen means players are relegated to staring at the back of their Hounds for most of the game.

Which brings me to the speed of the game, or should I say, the lack of speed in the game. Hounds, even the spryest ones, move agonizingly slow. I realize that if we were actually piloting huge walking tanks, that they may not clip along at the speediest of paces; but for God’s sake, if we’re going to suspend our disbelief long enough to believe that world wars are won and lost by human-controlled nuclear robots, can’t we suspend it just a bit further to believe that these robots can move faster than grandma in her walker?

And its in those types of details where I want my next-gen gaming to be less like a life-simulation, and more like a game. The Xbox 360 definitely needed a fun Mech-based game in its library, but “Chrome Hounds” fails to be it.

Stacked with Daniel Negreanu Review

Wait, did you say "Crapped w/ Daniel Negreanu?"
(Xbox, PS2, PSP; $19.99-29.99; Rated T for Crude Humor/Simulated Gambling/Mild Language; stacked.mtv.com)

(one star)

I would have thought that since MTV was attempting to cash in on the Poker craze with the kids, they would have produced a game slick enough to keep the split-second attention span of its audience. Instead, I heard even the Amish think this game looks like junk.

And Brother Jebediah: you couldn’t be more right. “Stacked” is a horrible looking game, not even fit for the N64, let alone the PS2 or Xbox. Look fellas, I realize that the systems you produced this game for are lame ducks, and I realize this is a “budget title,” but that doesn’t mean it has to look and play this bad. After all, “NFL 2K5” was a $20 budget title, and it was so good it caused EA to gobble up the exclusive rights to the entire NFL. And that’s a football game! That required lots of animations required to make the game look good and feel real- all you had to do was make ten people sitting around a table look, well… not dead, and you would have nailed it!

Playing a video poker game isn’t just about getting the card system down right, but also about building an exciting atmosphere around playing cards. After all, we’re not shooting Zombie Nazis or blasting alien spaceships, we’re doing something anyone with four other friends can do- why not make the experience a little more flashy? For crying out loud, we aren’t really playing in a high-stakes poker tournament, so why be so boring in the presentation?

In theory, “Stacked’s” card system is supposed to “learn” a player’s strategy as they progress through the game, making the computer respond more appropriately as real opponents would to a rising poker star. However, considering I play poker with as much cunning as a wolf in a KFC, I wasn’t able to determine whether the computer ever had me pegged- I was too much of a loose cannon, and therefore beat “Stacked” at its own game.

The animations in this game are awful, the table chatter is repetitive and grating, the character design is sub par, and the excitement to play poker is at an all-time low. Yes, hopefully we will see an Xbox Live Arcade version of Texas Hold ‘Em on the 360 and other next-gen systems, but who’s palms do I have to grease to make sure it’s not this version?

Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth II Review

(X360; $59.99; Rated T for Fantasy Violence; ea.com)

(three stars)

The ol’ Ring of Power is causing quite a stir between the forces of Good and Evil in Middle Earth- this time bringing the war to Microsoft’s next-gen system.

The original “Battle for Middle Earth,” released only on the PC, attracted veterans of Real Time Strategy-based games, as well as newcomers, with its relatively simple interface, memorable characters (uh, you get to control a Balrog!), and ability to command legions of troops to their certain death.

Traditionally, Real Time Strategy games (or, RTS) don’t translate well to the home console market. Prior attempts have been poor replicas of their PC counterparts; and since RTS games dictate a certain level of micro-management over huge maps, such control has only been mastered by a mouse-and-keyboard interface.

Unfortunately, “Battle… II” continues the tradition. Despite the developers’ attempt to give as much control to the console player as his/her PC cousin, the detail required in a game like this is far too complex to be whittled down to eight buttons and two joysticks.

The player’s main mode of resource management, building, and spell-casting is handled by the selectable menu called the Palantir. Through the Palantir, players have instant access to building structures in order to train new troops or upgrade weapons, coordinate battle stances for armies, call upon “Heroes” from Tolkien’s trilogy, or to summon spells that have both strategic and beautiful effects.

The Palantir interface works well during the down-time of a mission- i.e., the beginning. Being able to play around with structures, troop stances, and armies’ alignments at a leisurely pace is good when getting accustomed to the game. Once the armies of Sauron (or armies of the Fellowship, depending on your alignment) start swarming around you, strategic use of the Palantir seems to get thrown out the window.

And that’s the shame of this game: rather than have the control to leave your archers back to bombard the enemy as your horsemen ride in to lay waste, or have the Goblin King quietly summon a Balrog into the middle of battle, the Xbox controller doesn’t allow for the same finesse that a traditional mouse-and-keyboard combo does. Consequently, the “strategy” in this Real-Time Strategy game is gone.

Limitations like this may not matter much to those who are not familiar with the armchair command tactics seen on PC RTS titles, but for anyone who has played a pinch of PC RTS games, and enjoyed it, will immediately notice the awkwardness.

The frustrating controls overshadow an otherwise pretty game. Battles truly have an epic feel about them, as hundreds of characters can bee seen on the screen at one time battling against each other. Familiar characters, with designs straight out of Peter Jackson’s films, make for fun battles to watch- unfortunately, not so much fun to control.

Though full online multiplayer is available through Xbox Live, in a game like “Battle…II,” you best know what you are doing before you hang yourself out there in cyberspace; there are some wickedly skilled players who seem to have overcome the control scheme and will not hesitate to decimate and humiliate you.

Trust me, I know.